Vila’s Diary, Season Four

A Pink Dormouse Production


Not a good day. Servalan told Avon that Blake dead- not sure if he believed her. Cally dead, Liberator blown up, only other available ship also blown up. Only shelter in process of blowing up some more. Hairy aliens very unfriendly, not sure about non-hairy ones either. Avon in strop, Tarrant useless (no change there), Dayna building fire to keep us warm and hairy aliens away. Orac broken- had to find a good point somewhere.

Very cold overnight. Dayna comforting Tarrant. Pointed out I needed comforting too and nearly got head blown off. Avon tried to use Orac as pillow- said he was guarding it. Told him hairy aliens unlikely to want useless box of junk. Persuaded Avon that I was better pillow than Orac and warmer. Wish he would find a jacket with less studs. Dayna giving me strange looks.

I was right about non-hairy aliens. Carnivorous plant tried to eat me and Dayna. Got rescued by strange bloke called Dorian- claims he’s in the salvage business. A likely story (not). But he has a ship- with half a teleport bay- more suspiciousness. Got himself knocked out on takeoff and now we’re off to who knows where with the ship’s computer refusing to talk to any of us. Avon in even worse mood.

Dorian’s Base

Either Dorian has lots of friends who all come to stay at once or he’s going into the Bed and Breakfast business. Nice rooms and he found clothes for all of us. Avon got the best ones, of course. Think Dorian fancies Avon- wonder if that means I can chat up Dorian’s girlfriend. Going to try and find more wine- last lot was very good.

I was right about Dorian- while searching for wine I decided to eavesdrop on him chatting up Avon. He let it slip that he was going to feed everyone to his pet monster so I had to save the day by handing Avon the only working gun to kill it with. Did any of them thank me? Did they buggery. Well, Avon popped into my room for a quick chat but he fell asleep. Think I’ll check out the food cupboards.

Low on food and of course they expected me to break into the hanger so Tarrant could play with the ship. Met native woman- seemed ok at first but turned out to be another psycho. Avon met some other natives- got beaten up. All nearly got blown up. Avon fixed Dorian’s teleport so now he’ll probably want us to go rushing off into danger again. Avon in better mood but pining for Blake. Have to see if I can fix that.

Bastard. He never told me he found Dorian’s stash, did he? All uppers by the sound of it so no fun from my POV. When Avon’s back to normal (for him) I’ll remind him to stick with straight stimulants and avoid the ones with hallucinogenic additives.


Dayna nagged Avon into letting her shop for new clothes. All decided to tag along- bad move as Avon decided to go via here. Fortunately he sent Dayna and Tarrant to investigate the Federation’s new weapon and let me stay on the ship. Hope Dayna has time to buy new clothes while she’s down there or she won’t be happy.

Dayna and Tarrant reckon they saw Servalan on the planet. Sincerely hope not- nasty woman. Going back to Xenon without doing any shopping. Dayna in worse mood than Avon.

Xenon Base

Dayna in bad mood because of lack of shopping and action. Told Tarrant that she still fancies him and he gave me a long lecture on how inter-crew relations are bad for morale. Avoided mentioning Avon popping into my room to ‘discuss tactics’ (think he needs to find a wider range of excuses). Beat Soolin at chess three times today. Not strip-chess unfortunately.


Tarrant pranged the ship on an asteroid. Encountered Space Rats- Avon thinks we can steal a new drive for the ship off them. I think he’s madder than usual.

Xenon Base

Got Star Drive on - shame about Dr Plaxton. Had to spend extra time consoling Avon after Dayna called him a heartless bastard. Might call round and see if she needs consoling as well once I’ve got the energy.

Dayna gone shopping and visiting. Tarrant came back on his own after pranging the ship again. Somehow it was my turn to sort out the glycolene ballast tanks again. Told Avon I expect more than half a glass of wine for that. He’s still not found a better excuse than ‘discussing tactics’ for calling round at night.

Bucol Two

Went back to collect Dayna from her tea party and found hairy aliens (with horns!) and Servalan (that woman gets everywhere). Dayna killed her friend- very upset but Tarrant comforted her- shall have to talk to him about morale at some point.


Very nice lady popped round to the base for tea and cakes. Keep thinking about Sunday dinner for some reason. Avon had a strop and made me go with Tarrant to pick up the lady’s bloke and his android designs.

Xenon Base

Bloke turned out to be homicidal android and tried to kill us all. Soolin nearly hid in a cupboard with me- must see if she’s up for a game of sardines at some point. Avon in bad mood because Tarrant blew up android before he could find out how it worked. Keeps muttering about how Blake never broke his toys before he had taken them apart. May be forced to knock some sense into Avon later. Poor me.


I found out that Servalan hired assassin to kill us all. No thanks from the others, of course. Avon gone visiting pirates. In very good mood with me before he left.

Rescued Avon from pirates after they sold him to Servalan (no thanks from him about that either). Dayna in bad mood because she missed another opportunity to kill said megalomaniac. Avon brought a friend back with him- not sure why. Met a very sweet girl called Piri but had to leave her with the others while Dayna and I took Scorpio home. Dayna didn’t want comforting over not killing Servalan.

Xenon Base

Piri dead, Cancer Bloke dead, Avon’s friend dead. Avon not dead but not in good mood either. Still not thought up a new excuse but keeps turning up in my room regardless.


Nasty green planet. Tarrant and Dayna’s turn to go down- fortunately for me. Dayna had to come back with bullet wound. Tarrant happy on his own- even more fortunately.

Not been well. Apparently it was some sand Dayna brought back with her- it preferred Avon to me, bloody typical. Found out Tarrant shagged Servalan. Now hiding in cabin with the girls while Avon shouts at him. Dayna also in bad mood with Tarrant. Still doesn’t want comforting though.

Mecron Two

Avon has dragged us here to steal feldon crystals- nine hundred million’s worth apparently. Everyone else sulking about not being consulted.

Met very friendly computer on surface- must see if Avon will rebuild her for me. All of us did well at games on Orbiter but no crystals to show for it. Ones I stole fakes, worse luck. Avon in better mood than expected.


Disturbed to find out Avon has a third (or is that fourth?) friend in the entire universe. Hope he remembers that the last two we met wanted to kill him. Decided to mind ship just in case.

Avon’s ‘friend’ unfriendly as per usual. Did manage to threaten him very skilfully when we thought Avon was dead. Think Soolin miffed that I was more concerned about Avon- must make it up to her later. Got gold though.

Xenon Base

Avon’s money now worthless pile of paper. Not at all pleased with him and told him so. Think I’ll see which of us can sulk longer.

One week and Avon still sulking- bet I can sulk longer than he can.


Avon stopped sulking long enough to tell me he needed me to go visiting with him. Stupidly I agreed and got pawed repeatedly by mad scientist. Avon now in worse mood and is going to swap Orac for tachyon funnel. Suppose I’ll have to go back down with him and get pawed some more.

Don’t want to talk about what happened that time. Suffice it to say that Avon has finally cracked, I am never going to talk to him again and he can bloody well get Tarrant to go with him next time. Soolin sympathetic but could have been more so.

Xenon Base

Avon and Tarrant have rounded up a bunch of big planetary ruler blokes for a conference. Apparently Tarrant got laid on his hols. May have to make up with Avon after all.

Tarrant’s girlfriend turned up and they spent the afternoon hiding in his room so her father wouldn’t catch them. Of course he found out anyway. Avon very cross too. Watching him yell at Tarrant very entertaining.

Avon and Soolin gone to Betafarl. Were supposed to take Tarrant’s gf with them but she sneaked back here. Dayna in very bad mood. Too scary to contemplate sympathising with her.

Radioactive Airborne Virus. And Bombs. So we’re trapped down here and Avon and Soolin won’t be back in time to save us. It was nice while it lasted.


Escaped after all. Now Avon wants to go meet up with Blake. Hope he sent a message to say we’d be dropping in. Oh well, I can pass Avon on to Blake then find somewhere nice and safe with lots of lovely things to steal. Avon in better mood but won’t discuss tactics.

Gauda Prime

Nasty planet. Lots of outdoors and little civilisation. Tarrant missing. Avon no longer missing. Don’t think he’s told Blake to expect us. Acting erratically again. I have a very bad feeling about all this...


Email the author

Email the webthing

Back to Adult Stuff

Back to HQ