In a Spaceport Bar Somewhere

A Pink Dormouse Production


"But it’s not bloody fair" Seamus Harper moaned for the nth time; wondering whether he still had the coordination to pour whiskey into his glass.

"Who said life had to be fair?" Avon sincerely hoped Vila would reappear with the data soon and hadn’t been distracted by the various charms of Harper’s crewmates.

"We were doin’ good- lots of random violence, emotion, some very slash-able scenes between me and Tyr-" Avon gave him a very disbelieving look. "Ok so he’s Nietzschean. Doesn’t mean it mightn’t happen."

Vila strolled over, one arm around Trance Gemini. "Got the data you wanted. You’d think they’d be more careful about leaving the disks in the same room as a CD rewriter."

"What you doin’ with our Trance?"

"I thought she could come along with us instead. Can we keep her, Avon, please? She’s got a prehensile tail and everything."

Avon groaned. "Is that really an appropriate use of the Plot Device? I think not."

"She can make herself really useful. Give me someone to, er, talk to while you’re making the improvements to the ship."

"We need a more interactive AI unit- not a playmate."

"Jealous, Avon?"

"Fuck off, Marcus- this isn’t your crossover."

"But I’m officially dead- I can turn up where the hell I like."

"We’re all dead too. And I never got to shag any of the girls."

"Quiet, Harper. Let me think about this. Romy can’t die because she’s an AI and the ship is still more or less intact. Trance has died and got better before so she should be ok. Harper is actually good at what he does and provides the comedy relief so he should be ok."

"Glad to hear it." Harper had given up on the glass and was now drinking from the bottle. Avon gave him a disapproving look and continued.

"Now either Beka or the Captain has to survive to continue the mission. Pilots are replaceable so if she dies you’ll just trip over another one in the first or second episode of the next series. If the Captain dies you’ll have to keep Tyr so he and Beka can do the ego-clashing thing. If Beka dies, Tyr’s survival depends on how bolshy the new pilot is going to be."

"Good to know where I stand."

The manliness, the muscles, the chainmail, the leather. He’s Nietzschean: he’s supposed to have this effect on people. Only one round here who can match my intelligence as well so I’ve got to admire the man.

"I wondered if you would turn up."

"Someone had to carry Harper home."

"Point taken. That just leaves the Rev. He should be ok- you need him to point out the glaring ethical errors in your plans. He’ll probably go mad eventually but someone has to."

"Thank you for giving us that insight. Now if you’ll just hand over those CDRs."

"Better do what the man says, Avon."

"Galen? You shouldn’t be here either."

"I’m a technomage- I can do what I want. Besides no one can ever tell the difference between ‘Andromeda’ and ‘Crusade’."

"But why does Avon have to give Tyr the data?"

"I thought that would be obvious: he can’t have a computer that actually likes him; or one that likes you for that matter."

"I’ll hand them over if Vila lets go of Trance."

Vila noticed the looks Tyr and Avon were giving him; "Ok" Trance giggled and bounced over to Harper.

"You heard Avon: we live to see another series."

"’Strue. I s’pose. Let’s go home." He stood up, fell over and was dragged out by Tyr.

"We’d better be moving on as well. Vila?"

"You spoil all my fun. You know that?"

"I’ll make it up to you later.


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