So why do I stay? Can’t go home now. Folks’d never thank me for it if I did. Not with that reward on my head. Must be other places I could go. Avon can find them, so why shouldn’t I? Not that he’d ever really leave either, in spite of what he said earlier. He just likes to make a big show of things, keep Blake on his toes. Not staying for Blake, me, not really. I wasn’t lying when I said I liked him but he’s got a lot on his mind. Don’t think he’d notice much whether I was here or not, unless he wanted something opened. Nothing exactly wrong with the others of course. Cally’s okay for an alien but she’s got this whole thing for Avon, which I understand, obviously, and this whole thing for fighting which I don’t understand. Obviously. An’ then Jenna, she frets over Blake, maybe even more than Avon does. I could be a wall for all the attention she pays me. And I’m not just staying for Avon whatever he seems to think...
So he stays, and I stay. I must be mad... He’s not bad, Avon. Bit of a git at times. Lot of a git at times. But I know where I am with him. Not the best of places but I’m used to it. And when he’s pleased about something, he’s got that smile that makes me forget all about all the times he drives me up the wall. ‘S fun watchin’ him try an’ drive Blake up the wall too. And one day perhaps he’ll get sick of his Blake fixation an’ come looking for me. I mean I’m the one that’s known him longest, knows all about what he got up to before he got a bit too ambitious.
Hope Gan’s going to be okay. I can talk to Gan. Well, at least about most things. Not... but then you can’t really, not in a group this small, things get around too fast. He’s probably figured it out though. Brighter than he looks, our Gan.
Avon’s not coming back. Not now. Probably not ever. Blake’s gone and pushed him too far this time. Never thought he’d really do it. We still don’t know if Gan’s going to make it. If Gan... an’ if Avon... well, where’s that leave me? Maybe I could go over there too, see if there’s room for one more rat leaving this ship that’ll prob’ly sink wi’out Avon. But then what’d I do? There’s bound to be someone more his type there than any’ve us. Probably several someones knowing him. Slapper. Still, do him good to live up to his old reputation and there’s fat chance o’that round here.
They aren’t operating on Gan. Bloody sodding bastards. Hope I sound braver than I feel. Could I pull the trigger for Gan? I don’t know. Fuck it, I wish Avon was here. Then he is, just appears in the doorway, as he does. He gives me that look and suddenly I know things’ll be ok. We stand shoulder to shoulder, us against them and they believe he’ll do it, even if I won’t. Should be worrying about Gan but just keep thinking that Avon’s actually come back. Then that bastard Kayn tells us we can’t move the ship. Avon mouths ‘fuck’ to me and rushes to the intercom to tell Blake.
Blake’s harder that I thought. That threat of his to break Kayn’s hands, well I believed he’d do it. Just know Avon was impressed too. Wonder where him an’ Blake are off to. No fun holding a gun on these two by meself.
Gan’s had his op and we’re under attack. Survived though which is more than can be said for Avon’s chances of leaving. We’re all talking to Gan an’ I notice Avon’s missing. He’s not on the flight deck where we left him. Don’t know what possesses me, ’specially considerin’ the mood he’s prob’ly in, but I go looking for him in his cabin.
Door’s not locked, don’t know if he’s expecting someone to be looking for him, or if he just couldn’t be bothered. He looks even rougher than he did on the flight deck. Like he hasn’t slept since all this started and knows he couldn’t if he tried now. His lip liner’s still perfect, like that’s the one thing he can keep under control. I sit down on the bed next to him, expecting to be thrown out at any minute.
"Not been that good a day for you really," I start to say, then he’s in my arms. I shut up an’ just hold him. He’s so tense he’s shaking and I’m trying to soothe him without lettin’ go. Then we’re kissing an’ I can’t help feeling I’m taking advantage. It’s not me he wants, an’ sex for the sake of it isn’t gonna help either of us right now. He’s mad with Blake, mad with himself probably too. Doesn’t help that I’m mad with him for wanting to go in the first place. This is so fucked up. Doesn’t stop me though. I’ve wasted far too much time thinking about it to worry about the ethics of the situation.
Then he pulls me down onto the bed, sliding down under me like the tart he is. He unfastens my trousers... Oh that mouth. He’s everything I’d heard an’ more. A real artist. Top marks in all categories. Just enough use of teeth, not hurrying any of it. I could have him do that all day... But that isn’t how I want this. I want everything, and then some. I haul him back up to face me.
"Is it really me you want?" He nods, which is good enough answer for me. I ravish his mouth again, tasting my own essence mixed in there this time. He’s hungry for me, pulling at my clothes. I push him down and he lies still, like he’s waiting for something.
I nearly do a runner when I see the scars on his arms. Never been comfortable with cutters. Carry a knife meself but can’t understand why anyone’d do that to themselves. They’re all faded to a pale, pale porcelain-pink, like he hasn’t done it in a long time, but still... He’s reading me again, pulls me down, murmurs something in my ear. Not very coherent but he could recite the parts manifest right now an’ it’d turn me on. Then he bites me.
Instinctively I pull my hand back to slap him an’ stop meself just in time. He looks hurt, confused. Should’ve known he was into all that fucked-up sick shit an’ all. I just want to hold him again, make whatever screwed him up go away.
"It’s not difficult to understand," he tells me, "we aren’t that different." Then he slides down under me again, licking and teasing. I thrust into his mouth and he takes my length. Forget playing nice. If he wants it rough, he can have it rough.
I dig my fingers into his shoulders and he surfaces. He’s got that wide-eyed look that makes him seem hopelessly innocent. But I’m over all that. I take him with minimal preliminaries and he throws his head back against the pillow.
I’m screwing him harder than I’d want done to me an’ he’s lovin’ it. He’s got his eyes squeezed tight shut and he’s biting his lower lip so hard I can see the blood startin’ to well up. I grip his wrists tighter and he comes, drawing me into my own climax. I pull out of him an’ start to kiss the blood off his mouth. He mutters ‘thank you’ and I roll over next to him. Never realised just how narrow these bunks were before. He rests his head on my shoulder and I’d swear he’s purring.
Can’t go to sleep yet. Just want to enjoy bein’ with him. He’ll probably throw me out when he wakes up, but at least I’m here now. I’m good at makin’ the most of what I can get.
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