So why do I stay? Cant go home now. Folksd never thank me for it if I did. Not with that reward on my head. Must be other places I could go. Avon can find them, so why shouldnt I? Not that hed ever really leave either, in spite of what he said earlier. He just likes to make a big show of things, keep Blake on his toes. Not staying for Blake, me, not really. I wasnt lying when I said I liked him but hes got a lot on his mind. Dont think hed notice much whether I was here or not, unless he wanted something opened. Nothing exactly wrong with the others of course. Callys okay for an alien but shes got this whole thing for Avon, which I understand, obviously, and this whole thing for fighting which I dont understand. Obviously. An then Jenna, she frets over Blake, maybe even more than Avon does. I could be a wall for all the attention she pays me. And Im not just staying for Avon whatever he seems to think...
So he stays, and I stay. I must be mad... Hes not bad, Avon. Bit of a git at times. Lot of a git at times. But I know where I am with him. Not the best of places but Im used to it. And when hes pleased about something, hes got that smile that makes me forget all about all the times he drives me up the wall. S fun watchin him try an drive Blake up the wall too. And one day perhaps hell get sick of his Blake fixation an come looking for me. I mean Im the one thats known him longest, knows all about what he got up to before he got a bit too ambitious.
Hope Gans going to be okay. I can talk to Gan. Well, at least about most things. Not... but then you cant really, not in a group this small, things get around too fast. Hes probably figured it out though. Brighter than he looks, our Gan.
Avons not coming back. Not now. Probably not ever. Blakes gone and pushed him too far this time. Never thought hed really do it. We still dont know if Gans going to make it. If Gan... an if Avon... well, wheres that leave me? Maybe I could go over there too, see if theres room for one more rat leaving this ship thatll probly sink wiout Avon. But then whatd I do? Theres bound to be someone more his type there than anyve us. Probably several someones knowing him. Slapper. Still, do him good to live up to his old reputation and theres fat chance othat round here.
They arent operating on Gan. Bloody sodding bastards. Hope I sound braver than I feel. Could I pull the trigger for Gan? I dont know. Fuck it, I wish Avon was here. Then he is, just appears in the doorway, as he does. He gives me that look and suddenly I know thingsll be ok. We stand shoulder to shoulder, us against them and they believe hell do it, even if I wont. Should be worrying about Gan but just keep thinking that Avons actually come back. Then that bastard Kayn tells us we cant move the ship. Avon mouths fuck to me and rushes to the intercom to tell Blake.
Blakes harder that I thought. That threat of his to break Kayns hands, well I believed hed do it. Just know Avon was impressed too. Wonder where him an Blake are off to. No fun holding a gun on these two by meself.
Gans had his op and were under attack. Survived though which is more than can be said for Avons chances of leaving. Were all talking to Gan an I notice Avons missing. Hes not on the flight deck where we left him. Dont know what possesses me, specially considerin the mood hes probly in, but I go looking for him in his cabin.
Doors not locked, dont know if hes expecting someone to be looking for him, or if he just couldnt be bothered. He looks even rougher than he did on the flight deck. Like he hasnt slept since all this started and knows he couldnt if he tried now. His lip liners still perfect, like thats the one thing he can keep under control. I sit down on the bed next to him, expecting to be thrown out at any minute.
"Not been that good a day for you really," I start to say, then hes in my arms. I shut up an just hold him. Hes so tense hes shaking and Im trying to soothe him without lettin go. Then were kissing an I cant help feeling Im taking advantage. Its not me he wants, an sex for the sake of it isnt gonna help either of us right now. Hes mad with Blake, mad with himself probably too. Doesnt help that Im mad with him for wanting to go in the first place. This is so fucked up. Doesnt stop me though. Ive wasted far too much time thinking about it to worry about the ethics of the situation.
Then he pulls me down onto the bed, sliding down under me like the tart he is. He unfastens my trousers... Oh that mouth. Hes everything Id heard an more. A real artist. Top marks in all categories. Just enough use of teeth, not hurrying any of it. I could have him do that all day... But that isnt how I want this. I want everything, and then some. I haul him back up to face me.
"Is it really me you want?" He nods, which is good enough answer for me. I ravish his mouth again, tasting my own essence mixed in there this time. Hes hungry for me, pulling at my clothes. I push him down and he lies still, like hes waiting for something.
I nearly do a runner when I see the scars on his arms. Never been comfortable with cutters. Carry a knife meself but cant understand why anyoned do that to themselves. Theyre all faded to a pale, pale porcelain-pink, like he hasnt done it in a long time, but still... Hes reading me again, pulls me down, murmurs something in my ear. Not very coherent but he could recite the parts manifest right now an itd turn me on. Then he bites me.
Instinctively I pull my hand back to slap him an stop meself just in time. He looks hurt, confused. Shouldve known he was into all that fucked-up sick shit an all. I just want to hold him again, make whatever screwed him up go away.
"Its not difficult to understand," he tells me, "we arent that different." Then he slides down under me again, licking and teasing. I thrust into his mouth and he takes my length. Forget playing nice. If he wants it rough, he can have it rough.
I dig my fingers into his shoulders and he surfaces. Hes got that wide-eyed look that makes him seem hopelessly innocent. But Im over all that. I take him with minimal preliminaries and he throws his head back against the pillow.
Im screwing him harder than Id want done to me an hes lovin it. Hes got his eyes squeezed tight shut and hes biting his lower lip so hard I can see the blood startin to well up. I grip his wrists tighter and he comes, drawing me into my own climax. I pull out of him an start to kiss the blood off his mouth. He mutters thank you and I roll over next to him. Never realised just how narrow these bunks were before. He rests his head on my shoulder and Id swear hes purring.
Cant go to sleep yet. Just want to enjoy bein with him. Hell probably throw me out when he wakes up, but at least Im here now. Im good at makin the most of what I can get.
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